thump thump thump

My friend Jenn had the following quote on her blog:

"a big heart is both a clunky and a delicate thing; it doesn't protect itself and it doesn't hide. it stands out, like a baby's fontanel, where you can see the soul pulse through." - anne lamott

I love the image of the soul pulsing. Considering I'm the only one in my house that does not currently have a soft spot in their head, it's an image that I'm surrounded by.

I watch Maia's beautiful round head and see her heart beating away. It's amazing to think that I am responsible for that thump-thump-thump. I created that heart. It grew inside of me. I wonder where that heart will take her and what it will experience. I think about how much my heart loves her and wonder if she's capable of loving me back.

I watch Bri's soft spot pulse from time to time and thank God for every beat.... every minute that we have together. Last year at this time, when the surgeon came to tell us that they almost lost Brian in surgery, my stomach dropped and life as I knew it changed. I can't remember anything from those moments and yet they replay in slow motion, the doctors words, the blood on his blue booties. The realization that the blood that I was looking at was my beloved Bri. The sudden panic that this can't be happening and repeating to myself, "no no no... I haven't had enough time. I need more time." Then as the panic subsided and his condition stabilized, this calm coming over me as I came to an understanding that nothing matters. I'm never going to have enough time with Brian. I'm always going to be wanting one more minute, one more day, one more year. It's never enough and regardless of when it ends, I'll feel the same. I'll be left there wondering where all the time went and wishing for more.